


Guilt Is One Hell Of A Drug

by ILeftMyOvenOn, ILeftMyRefrigeratorRunning



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Moving On, No Beta, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:13:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26313205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILeftMyOvenOn/pseuds/ILeftMyOvenOn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILeftMyRefrigeratorRunning/pseuds/ILeftMyRefrigeratorRunning
Summary: So far everything seems to be going smoothly... fufufu.. just you wait~ :)
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 17
Kudos: 29





	1. Comfort

“Nee, Killua..” Gon said, his voice quieter and more serious than usual. They were sitting on their bed, boxes strewn across the floor. This had been the fifth time they moved after Illumi managed to find them again. By now, their belongings were reduced to only a couple of boxes. Killua turned to Gon before replying. “Yeah, Gon?” Gon shifted, biting his lip slightly, before nervously, yet firmly stating “I’m going to kill myself”. 

Killua stared at Gon, not yet registering what he had said completely. “W-what?” He said, his voice trembling slightly. “You’re joking, right?” Killua tried to laugh it off. “Man, you’re so w-weird, Gon”. His nervous laughter made Gon frown. Gon stared at Killua with a strange intensity before replying, “I’m serious, Killua. I’m going to kill myself for you and Alluka.” Gon continued. “It’s for you guys so.. don’t be sad, m’kay? I’ll see you in the afterlife anyway, right?” Gon smiled sadly.

Killua stared owlishly at Gon as tears formed in his eyes. “No, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO!” He screamed “GON DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU’RE SAYING?! WHY-- why- why..” Killua dropped to his knees. “Please… don’t leave me, please…” He pleaded. Gon tensed, not sure how to respond, “I-” “No. I’m not going to allow it, I’m not going to let you THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY, GON!” Killua yelled, most likely alerting Alluka at this point. Gon yelled back at Killua, “I’M DOING THIS FOR YOU AND YOUR SISTER! I KNOW I’M A BURDEN SINCE I CAN’T USE NEN, I KNOW YOU’RE HAVING PROBLEMS PROTECTING US ALL SO PLEASE! Please... Don’t make this harder than it already is!” 

At this point they were both crying hysterically, yelling back and forth at each other. “I LOVE YOU, GON! YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS! WE’RE SUPPOSED TO STICK TOGETHER FOREVER, RIGHT?!” Killua exclaimed, blushing slightly at what he had just said, quieting down a little. The confession had slightly caught Gon’s attention, yet he remained stubborn “I love you too... That’s why I’m doing this, Killua!” And at that Killua blinked owlishly once again “Th-that just MAKES IT WORSE, GON! IF YOU LOVE ME DON’T LEAVE ME!... Please, Gon..!” Killua’s hands trembled and his head dropped, his tears falling onto the sheets. Gon clenched his jaw. He understood what Killua meant, but he couldn’t bear being such a burden on the two. It hurt more than Killua knew. “Gon, don’t be selfish.. did you think about how hurt we’d be if you were you kill yourself..? You are not a burden, nor will you ever be. So stop, please. Please..” Gon felt unimaginably guilty, leaving a large pit in his stomach.

Just then they heard sniffling coming from the doorway and they both glanced up, “A-alluka-” Killua called, brokenly. Gon didn’t have the energy to face Killua’s sister, so he stood up quietly, gave Alluka a small smile, and left. “Go-“ Killua stood up to go after his friend but stopped after Alluka grabbed his hand. “Brother.. make sure Gon doesn’t, y’know..” She whimpered quietly, her tears staining her pink cheeks. “Make sure he’s okay, Nanika is worried.” She wiped her tears on the back of her hand and smiled wearily up at Killua. Killua nodded slowly as she let go of his hand.

“Gon! Where’d you go?” Killua exclaimed while searching the house frantically. Then he heard shuffling in their shared bathroom. His eyes widened as he stumbled over to the door, slamming it wide open. There stood Gon, sitting silently on the floor, his arms wrapped around his knees. He seemed so small, sitting there helplessly. Killua’s hardened look softened into a saddened one, reaching down to wrap his arms around Gon and pull him close, pleading once again, “Gon, please don’t do it... I love you so, so much, so please..” Killua buried his face into Gon’s neck, mumbling “I love you” over and over and Gon finally complied, “Alright, I won’t” He mumbled softly into Killua’s neck, beginning to sob again. “I love you too,” He said quietly, leaning his head against Killua’s shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far everything seems to be going smoothly... fufufu.. just you wait~ :)


	2. Realization

Every time Gon had gotten up to go to the bathroom or get a snack, he’d notice how Killua and Alluka would tense slightly, and whenever he wasn’t doing one of those two things he was either in Killua or Alluka (Who had managed to get taller than Gon already)’s arms. While comforting, it was slightly irritating but he understood their actions, he understood them all too well. Ever since his outburst last week, they’d been hyper-aware of his actions, watching his every move. All three of them sat in the living room, a thick silence filling the air. Gon cringed, before feeling the need to say something before his head exploded. “Killua?” Killua’s head spun around. “Hm?” “I’m bored,” Gon whined, slumping into his chair. “Can we do something, pleasee~?” He asked, putting on his best puppy eyes. Killua’s cheeks turned a light shade of red. “I guess so-“ Upon looking at Gon, Killua’s eyes saddened for a moment. It was barely a second, but Gon noticed. He had grown used to noticing small things like that.

Throughout the day, Gon noticed Killua was often distracted. Gon would catch him spacing out every few minutes with a sad, or worried look on his face. He was almost certain it was because of him and that made him feel even worse than before. The guilt he felt made it hard for him to think straight, and he wished it would go away. He even went as far as avoiding Killua. Gon knew Killua had said that he wasn't a burden but now? Now he knew he was more than ever before, and now it hurt so, so much more. He struggled to keep a happy expression on his face and acting bright and cheery drained him of all his energy. 

“It’s my fault, it’s my fault- I’m the reason Killua is suffering. He wouldn’t suffer if I was gone. He’s suffering, he’s suffering, it’s because of me. No, no, no! Is this because of me? I should’ve known better. Please help me. Make it stop, make it stop... please, make it stop..” Gon put his hand to his head, a desperate and futile attempt to stop his negative thoughts. He felt like he was about to crack, his joyful persona about to shatter into a million pieces. And then he felt a hand place itself onto his shoulder and all the negative thoughts disappeared briefly, everything looked warm and bright again until it removed itself again and all the distraction he had in that small moment disappeared, everything turning cold and dull once more. “Hey, ‘you alright, Gon?” Gon heard Killua ask as he walked in front of Gon and Gon looked up, placing a happy facade on for Killua, “Well, of course! Everything is fun with you, Killua!” Gon looked up at Killua, giggling. Gon knew the smile and giggle sounded slightly fake but he couldn’t help it, everything felt so... Cold? Was that the right word? Whatever, it didn’t matter anyway. Nothing mattered, this time no one would stop him, he wouldn’t be persuaded. He’ll remove himself from this world to rid others of his burden. He loved his friends, he truly did, but he wanted this coldness to stop. He didn't want to be a burden, so he’ll leave. He’ll leave and never come back. 

He slowed his walking, now behind Killua and Alluka, “I’m so sorry, Killua... I’ll make it up to you...before I leave you.” He whispered to himself before yelling, “Hey guys! Wait up!” He laughed, running forward to catch up with Killua and Alluka. He’d like to make happy memories that’ll last forever before he’s gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uh, how do you guys feel about slight smut..?


	3. You don't have to read this chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We debated on posting this or not- it's not that great

The day's activities had ended and now they were all seated in their makeshift living room. Alluka was the first to retire for the night, heading to her room across from Gon and Killua’s. Gon and Killua soon followed, also deciding to turn in for the night. Once they had reached their room Gon was the first to speak, “Ne, Killua? Come here.” And of course, Killua complied, walking over to the smaller boy “Yea?” Killua responded, slightly confused, “Is there something--” He tried to say before being pulled down by the collar and being passionately kissed. Gon’s arms wrapped around Killua’s neck, pulling him closer. Killua’s face turned a bright shade of red, but he didn’t pull away. He came closer and leaned over Gon, kissing him back. Gon pulled him onto their bed and Killua didn’t resist. They fell onto the bed and rolled over, Killua topping Gon as he sank into the mattress. Killua wedged his leg between Gon’s as they deepened their kiss, their tops already on the floor. He pulled away, before pressing his lips against Gon’s neck and kissing it without restraint. Gon gasped quietly, holding onto Killua tightly, “K-killua..” Gon moaned out only for Killua to shut him up by kissing him, “Shh, you wouldn’t want to wake Alluka, right?” Gon nodded slightly, biting the inside of his cheek to stifle his moans. Killua pulled away again, taking a look at Gon’s face. It was red and his mouth was slightly agape, making Killua flush a shade of pink and look away. Gon stared up at Killua with his large, amber eyes after noticing he looked away. Killua looked back at Gon, only to blush once again. He held Gon close, and gave him another long kiss


	4. Selfishness and moving on

The moon was still visible when Gon had gotten up, he had this planned out since the night before last. Today was the day, he didn't-- no he couldn't stay any longer everything hurt, he felt so, so... cold he couldn't live like this anymore it hurts more and more every day so he'll leave. He'll take his own life right now. No time to say goodbye but maybe he'll write a note, about how sorry he is for existing, for how much pressure and pain he put on family and friends with his self destructive behavor and selfishness. Maybe he'll just not say anything... who knows. 

'I'm so selfish.' He thought to himself as he dragged his tired limbs into the bathroom. Killua wouldn't wake up for awhile since it was only around 4:00 in the morning. He didn't really bother himself with locking the doors

[ TW (Trigger Warning): Mentions of blood, suicide, and knives ] 

Gon began filling up their shared bath as he sat down outside of the edge, moving his hand around in the water as he waited for it to fill and fiddling with his small pocket knife in the other. He was slowly starting to question himself as to why he was really doing this, maybe, he thought, maybe he just didn't want to live and it was for absolutely no one but himself. Maybe he really was a selfish brat, maybe Killua had been right all those times he had called him selfish- 'selfishselfishselfishselfish SELFISH' is all that repeated in his mind, they were all right he really was just a selfish boy. Now he knew he truly deserved this and right on que he felt water slightly spill over the tub, telling him it was his time to leave this world, this world that was too selfless for a selfish person such as himself. 

Gon gripped the knife tightly, taking one last deep breath before cutting into his wrist. He winced as the pain seared through his arm. It hurt so, so badly. But nothing compared to the cold he felt. Nothing hurt more than watching Killua suffer because of him. He transferred the knife to his other hand, shakily cutting his second wrist. He stared at his arms as blood flowed from his veins, holding back tears. He didn’t want to be forgotten, as selfish as that was and he didn’t want to leave Killua either. He didn’t want this. But it had to be done. This cold had to stop, so he'll be selfish one last time. He slid his wrists into the warm water, starting to feel tired. He rested his head on the bath frame as he took his last breaths. Gon Freecss would be no more after this, he'd be but a memory to live inside the hearts of those he held dear to him. He knew this was selfish but that's what he was. Selfish. 

[End of gore and shit]

The sun pooled in through the slightly ajar curtains which had woken the Zoldyck boy from his sleep. He stretched rubbing his eyes, turning to his right, expecting to see his beloved, only to be greeted by a… note? Odd.. why would Gon leave him a note..? When he left to go out he usually just texted Killua. Still, Killua opened it, expecting it to be something cutesy from his boyfriend but as he read it over his eyes widened as a look of terror washed over him. He shot up out of bed looking around, and then he paused when he was in front of the bathroom door, he smelt the air, he knew this smell, he knew it all too well. The metalicy smell of.. blood... his face paled as he ever so slowly turned the doorknob and what he saw he knew he wouldn' be forgetting any time soon. A sight that'd haunt his nightmares forever.

There, Gon was hunched over the bath which had been dyed a deep red by what he assumed was… Gon's blood- 'NO, NO THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING THIS CAN'T BE REAL IT'S A JOKE! A SICK PRANK, PLEASE…!' Killua's mind screamed as he fell to his knees, a strained wail coming from his mouth as he covered his face with his hands. Alluka had heard him and came running to their room but stopped before she entered the bathroom by a sobbing Killua "ALLUKA DON'T COME IN" he frantically yelled "WH-" she had entered anyways but, oh, she wished she hadn't. She stared in shock, her body beginning to tremble. Her breathing shallowed and she screamed, letting out a loud and dreadful sob. Killua could only watch as his sister broke down, staring at Gon’s dead body.

Months and months had passed since that day, everyday seemed the same to Killua, wake up, eat, work out, work, eat dinner then go to bed. Over and over and over. No one really caught his interest like Gon had, and although being constantly nagged about "moving on" he just.. couldn't or well, he didn't want to move on. He just wanted his best friend, boyfriend, light of his life back at his side. He really didn't like living life without him but he can't join Gon.. not yet.. he still has Alluka to look after, but he oh-so wanted to just join his beloved. He had also developed a habit of snapping at those who brought up Gon while around him, saying the same thing over and over, "Gon would want you to be happy, so move on" 'But they just don't understand', he constantly thought, "STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNEW HIM" he wailed into his pillow. He soon began feeling tired after crying his eyes out. Just like usual. But something was different about that night, as he felt himself slipping from consciousness, he didn't feel the usual feeling of dread, instead he felt… comfort as he closed his eyes, finally falling asleep. 

"Ki-llu-ua! Killua!" He heard a familiar, far away voice call out his name as he slowly blinked open his eyes. “Nee, Killuaa~” The voice called out again. Killua realized it was Gon’s voice, he could never forget such a cute and high pitched voice like his.

Killua spun around, hardly stopping to even see where he was. As he ran towards the voice through a field of golden, he felt lighter than ever. "GON!" He called out to the voice he heard and soon he had stumbled upon the 12 year old version of the boy he once knew. When he glanced at himself he noticed he was younger again too, "Killua you found me! Ahah!" The boy in green yelled in glee. "Of course I did, dummy, I could find you anywhere in the entire world!" He said smugly, giggling slightly, "You really are amazing, Killua" The boy he once knew smiled the smile he had missed so much, the one that made him shine as though he was the sun, and took him in for a hug. "I love you, Killua." He whispered slightly, before backing away and holding Killua's hands, "Don't forget me but don't let me weigh you down, 'kay?" The boy smiled once more, although this one a bit more mellow. He pulled him in once more, quietly whispering, “It’s so warm here, right?” before vanishing, leaving Killua standing alone, surrounded by the beautiful golden field.

And then the dream ended, it was short and sweet, and maybe Killua will take Gon's advice and live life out to the fullest. "Move on…" he mumbled to himself, and instead of being disgusted by the phrase this time he smiled warmly, inviting the idea in instead of pushing it away. Of course, he'd never forget his best friend but he'll learn all over how to live without him by his side.


End file.
